roseprickles

Carousel Ride

Tonight I cannot sleep. Given, I didn't try very long or hard, but to add to the frustrations of my day, sleep has evaded me. Its the usual constant thoughts and images that bombard my mind preventing the calm required for rest. How does one stop the thoughts? A large hammer comes to mind. Although tomorrow morning would most likely find me in a much more foul mood than usual if I had to wake with a massive headache as well. So no hammer. What else? Read until I can no longer hold open my eyelids I suppose. That usually works.

Or hang out here reading blogs. Also a fair idea.

I am just too restless. Ha! That has double-meaning tonight. A restless one who cannot find rest. Its the feeling of aimless wandering that I cannot shake. Like being on a carousel going round and round, but not really going anywhere. Funny that was my favourite carnival ride when I was really young. My mom still has pictures of me smiling atop a golden horse. I believe I was only 3 yrs at the time. Already I adored beautiful horses and frilly colourful dresses. Anyways, what was I saying? Ah yes. Aimless carousel rides.

I long to be content. Not deliriously happy or anything. Just content. I'm tired of having to distract myself with things to look forward to just to get through the week. Some say you just have to make the decision to be content. Happiness is a choice and all that. Maybe they're right. Maybe I just want to be miserable.

Hmmm. I think I'm stuck.

Not really liking where my life is right now. But not seeing any sure way out any time soon. Wanting to enjoy parts of my new life, but feeling the usual anxiety and guilt. Want back parts of my old life, but knowing they are gone for the time being. Not know what it is I even want. That's the most frustrating.

Suppose I just need to be more patient. And relax. If there's something that needs changing and can be done, then do it. Worry about the rest as it comes. Easier said than done as usual. Anyone who knows me, can understand how upsetting it is for me to feel a loss of control in my life. Just aimlessly riding the carousel. I'd much rather have my own go-cart on a track without barriers. Or maybe just the kind of barriers made of hay bails that you can ram and make your own path.

Well, guess I should give that sleeping thing another go. Maybe I'll count go-carts or something.

posted by rosey @ 11:11 PM