Aaaaaarrrggggh!
If I was a computer genius, it would have not taken me 43 minutes to try and put a simple picture on this blog. But since I am not. It has taken me 43 minutes to unsuccessfully put a picture on this blog. I now will retreat to another room far away from the computer since the desire to put my fist through the screen has become overwhelming.
Yes if you'd like to help me that'd be awesome. Thanks for asking :)
Give me Neverland
All my short life I have counted down the days to Christmas with deep enthusiasm, starting some time in October. This year, although I did still have the tree up shortly after Nov 11, it has snuck up on me. It is 4 days till Christmas and I have yet to start a colourful or chocolately or symbolic or any kind of coundown! This used to be a passion. Well, people do tend to give up silly childish things like this as they get older I suppose. But it was not my intention to do so! I like my childish things. I want to be childish! I don't want to grow up. Peter Pan knew what he was talking about. Grown-ups are boring.
Success!
Aha! I just went through my hiphop dance routine without having to stop for more than 20 seconds at a time, AND without falling! Quite a feat, I must say. Now if I can only get it on the actual beat of the music we'll be set!
No, sadly, I am not a dancer. But somehow - as is my nature - I got hosed into taking a class. Its been mostly frustrating, with the odd bit of fun punctuated by grunts and yelps in pain. I was not aware that there were muscles in my kneecaps. Aparently there is something in that region that is easily pulled when rising up and down in quick succession. Who knew!
Hopefully this is somehow building strength or agility or poise amidst all the madness. There has got to be some kind of betterment occuring. Maybe its just the building of character. The ability to laugh at oneself and know that you look absolutely ridiculous, but are trying anyway.
Sure, we'll go with that :)
Silly girl
Tee hee.
Upon reading my last blog, I am slightly embarrassed at my confessions. Supose it shouldn't come as a surprize that I love kids, but to re-read my gushing caused me to go slightly pink in the face with the knowledge that others too will be reading that. But I did not delete it cause it is truth and I shouldn't be embarrassed!
Still feel kinda silly. Ah well.
Babies
Warning: Be prepared for gushing.
THEY ARE SO PRECIOUS. I love them all. Even after they scream for nearly 28 minutes (naw I wasn't watching the clock at all); when they fall asleep from the exhaustion of wailing in your arms, they are angels once again. Honestly, how can you look into the face of a sleeping baby and not be totally at peace. SO PRECIOUS.
I know I'm sure I'll change my mind once I have to get up 6 times in the night to care for my own, but for now I am untainted by the horrors of having children, and I love them still.
(content sigh)
Carousel Ride
Tonight I cannot sleep. Given, I didn't try very long or hard, but to add to the frustrations of my day, sleep has evaded me. Its the usual constant thoughts and images that bombard my mind preventing the calm required for rest. How does one stop the thoughts? A large hammer comes to mind. Although tomorrow morning would most likely find me in a much more foul mood than usual if I had to wake with a massive headache as well. So no hammer. What else? Read until I can no longer hold open my eyelids I suppose. That usually works.
Or hang out here reading blogs. Also a fair idea.
I am just too restless. Ha! That has double-meaning tonight. A restless one who cannot find rest. Its the feeling of aimless wandering that I cannot shake. Like being on a carousel going round and round, but not really going anywhere. Funny that was my favourite carnival ride when I was really young. My mom still has pictures of me smiling atop a golden horse. I believe I was only 3 yrs at the time. Already I adored beautiful horses and frilly colourful dresses. Anyways, what was I saying? Ah yes. Aimless carousel rides.
I long to be content. Not deliriously happy or anything. Just content. I'm tired of having to distract myself with things to look forward to just to get through the week. Some say you just have to make the decision to be content. Happiness is a choice and all that. Maybe they're right. Maybe I just want to be miserable.
Hmmm. I think I'm stuck.
Not really liking where my life is right now. But not seeing any sure way out any time soon. Wanting to enjoy parts of my new life, but feeling the usual anxiety and guilt. Want back parts of my old life, but knowing they are gone for the time being. Not know what it is I even want. That's the most frustrating.
Suppose I just need to be more patient. And relax. If there's something that needs changing and can be done, then do it. Worry about the rest as it comes. Easier said than done as usual. Anyone who knows me, can understand how upsetting it is for me to feel a loss of control in my life. Just aimlessly riding the carousel. I'd much rather have my own go-cart on a track without barriers. Or maybe just the kind of barriers made of hay bails that you can ram and make your own path.
Well, guess I should give that sleeping thing another go. Maybe I'll count go-carts or something.
IT IS TIME
At some point you must pick up what is left and move on. The time is now. If I'm going to ever get over it, if you ever do, it might as well be now.
Moving on....
I want a padded room
What fun could be had in such a place! No not really, but a quote from Virginia Wolfe caused me to ponder the livings in such a room.
Yes, yes of course. I will give you the quote:
'Those comfortably padded lunatic asylums which are known, euphemistically, as the stately homes of England.'
Could be fun....
