Good Day
Today upon arriving home I found myself quite famished and preceded to cook everything I could think of in my cupboard. Of course after eating most of the first dish I was full. And so dish 2, 3 and 4 are destined to a nite or two in the fridge. On the upside I won't have to cook probably for the rest of the week!
I've been putting off going to the gym for approximately 3 or 4 hours now. And here I am online putting it off a little longer. As I write I am in my gym clothes. The only reason they are on is because I had hoped that it would inspire me somehow to go. No, not so inspiring. Ah well. As my good friend Emerson has said in a Journal in 1855;
'If a man has good corn, or wood, or boards, or pigs to sell, or can make better chairs or knives, crucibles, or church organs, than anybody else, you will find a broad, hardbeaten road to his house, though it be in the woods.'
So there we have it! We must all go to the gym directly and make ourselves the amazing humans that we were born to be! Go all of you! Go! And then we will have cake. Much cake.
Try again
Ok, one more time everyone. Happy thoughts :)
Life isn't so bad. There is good somewhere. I know it. Otherwise there's no point. So we must believe in the wonderful and marvelous and beautiful possibilities.
Hope. Believe. Laugh. All that good stuff. Yes. Somehow its worth it.
Christmas
Yes everyone, its coming up quickly. Only a little over a month away.
I love Christmas. Always have. Yes I'm one of the christmas crazies that have their tree up shortly after halloween, and have nothing but christmas music in the cd player for a month. Its always been such a happy time.
This year is different. It never occured to me that Christmas could be one of the hardest times of the year for some people. For some its a reminder of the loneliness of life. For others it reminds of happier times that are long gone. Especially for those who have lost someone close to them - Christmas is hard.
Dammit. One of the happiest times of year - also ruined. Sigh.
I've learned....
I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about
fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy
or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare to others-
they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you
can keep vomiting
long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
A Little Happy Thought
Alright. Let's all try for a little bit of positivity shall we? I know we can do it! Just concentrate. =)
Seriously though, I was contemplating my awful last couple of days and the few things that did manage to give me moments of happiness. Guess that's what life is right? Perspective.
So there was my family who are always good for a little love and encouragement. And a real good talk with a real good friend. These were almost essential to getting through the tough spots. More than the people on the giving end probably even knew.
Another happy moment came to me at not so happy a place. Funny how that works isn't it? Let me explain. I recently started volunteering in pediatrics at the hospital near where I live. I'm really enjoying it already even though I've hardly begun. I look forward to my next visit. There's just something about kids, especially the really little ones, that is so pure and good. Even in that state that alot of them are in, which is quite sad, they are so fresh and free from a life of mistakes. So very innocent to the awfulness of the world. So very good. Expecially the babies. A brand new little life. And there's something extremely calming, well for me anyway, to sit with one close to you and rock and sing and just give a little bit of love. Maybe that's it. The feeling of giving something to someone, as simple as a cuddle, that could really use it. So precious these little lives are.
Well, don't know if I succeeded. Even my happy thoughts have a tinge of sadness, but a good effort nonetheless.
More Lessons
Back to the same subject. As far as emotions go, you just cannot win either. The sooner one realizes this, the less smashing one's head against a wall will be required. When you have hurt another, there is nothing that you can do or say that will be right. And everything that you do and say will be tabulated and held against you at a later date.
If you smile and attempt a sort of happiness, then you are heartless and uneffected by the hurt. If you look as miserable and dejected as they, then you are looking for sympathy. If you do neither than you are cold and empty of emotion.
Similarly, if you are calm and collected then you don't truly have any emotions attached to the situation. But if you are distraught and passionate then you are putting on a show in an attempt to win sympathy. Or just plain insane.
Its best to admit to oneself that you just cannot win. And act exactly how you feel.
Lessons in Pain
Hurting someone deeply has got to be of the worst pains a person can endure. Worse than yourself being hurt by another. When you are hurt by another, the source of the pain is obvious. The one in which to hate and blame for your grief has been designated. Hurting someone else however, directs all grief back to yourself. There is no one else to blame. No one to despise but yourself. And of course, there's the guilt and shame that accompanies such pain.
In addition to this there is the problem with wanting to somehow rectify the mistakes made. The desire to help the person you have hurt. Watching someone who has been extremely close you to in pain is so disabling and frustrating. And when you are the cause of their pain it is that much more unbearable and heart wrenching. You want only to reach out and take them in your arms and pray that somehow it will make them feel better for even a few moments. But often what you must do is stay as far away as possible. Since even the sight of your face causes even more heartache. And to take them in your arms would only remind of what's been lost. Stay away and pray that time will do its job.
It should not happen this way. This is not the way things are supposed to be. But this is the was it is. And there is no going back. Even for a moment.
Grumpy
Not sure what it was exactly, but I was in a pissy mood all day. Luckily no one tried to challenge me at much of anything. I was holding back as it was at bitting everyone's head off. Some days it's more work than others to put on a smile. Seems like a misrepresentation to pretend to be happy to be here when you aren't. But the alternative of little miss grumpy pants doesn't seem much better. What to do!?! Avoid everyone?
What are Americans smoking?
How the hell did Bush get in again!?! I don't understand. It completely boogles my mind. If I was American I would protest.
